A little over a year ago I took a course on grief counseling. In order to enroll in the course I had to become the counseled. I was required to go through the course by discussing a grief with which I had not made peace. Some of the ground rules laid out for these sessions served as great tools for ministering to those grappling with grief. Moreover, what I learned revealed to me that most of us — although well-intentioned — do not know how to comfort those who are grieving.
Grief is not merely limited to death. The emotion of grief can come as a result of death, but there are many other reasons why people grieve. For instance, there’s a member of my family who worked for a company for twenty-eight years, and during the recent economic woes, he was let go for a minor mistake. What followed were emotions of grief. After being with the same company for nearly thirty years, this loved one exhibited signs of grief as if someone had died. Therefore, we cannot merely think of grief as limited to death. Loss of job, status and income can cause a person to grieve. Think of the elderly person who has reached an impasse in their life: they are no longer permitted to drive or live on their own. These drastic changes in life can bring about the emotions of grief.
During someone’s grief, people often find it necessary to say things that they believe are helpful. Here are some of the things I have heard others say — as a griever — that were not helpful at all: “It was God’s will.” “They’re better off.” “We knew this day was going to come.” And so on and so on. Let me say to you all: “Don’t feel the need to talk.” Often times what you say is not comforting to the grieving regardless of how well-intentioned you may be. If you must say anything, say, “I want you to know that I love you and am here for you.” That’s it. Leave it to that. Don’t speculate. Don’t speak for God. Don’t talk.
The most familiar biblical story of grief is Job’s. If you’ve studied that book, Job’s friends said things close to what we say today; however, they were more accusing than we would be. God rebuked Job’s three friends for their accusative words, but the only thing their friends did right — at the beginning — was to not talk. “They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him….they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great” (Job. 2:11, 13). This was the most comforting act Job’s friends performed. Nothing was said. They were just present. Believe it or not, being present means a lot to those grieving. Your presence is enough, so don’t feel the need to speak unless spoken to.
The most important — and often forgotten — act of comforting is follow-up. Being at the funeral home or wherever the griever may be at the time of their calamity is of the utmost importance, but remember their grief will intensify once they’ve gone home. Follow up with the grieving by calling them or visiting. They will show when the visits and calls are no longer needed. However, put forth the effort to visit them in their affliction, and don’t treat them as the widow, unemployed, etc. Don’t merely identify them by their grief. If you were handicapped you wouldn’t want someone to identify you by your handicap.
My hopes are that we as Christians will be better equipped to minister to those grieving. You never know the impact your presence will make. You never know how you may touch someone.
